Being a mom.

Being a mom… where do I begin? I guess I have been thinking a lot about my role as a stay at home mother, not just simply a mom, a lot lately. Last night Bryan and I went out to a nice dinner, sans kids, and for most of dinner, I found myself talking about the kids! What can I say… they are my life, my proudest accomplishments, and the most important people/things in my life & world. They ARE my world! I think I am very fortunate in the fact that I am still able to go out on date nights with my husband, go to the gym several times a week, sleep at least 12 hours a night, get housework & cooking done, have a few free hours per week to spend time with Charley while Jackson is in pre-school part time…. and the list of blessings goes on. I feel in my heart that I am blessed and able to do pretty much all of these things because of the hard work Bryan and I have put into parenting our children and providing them with the structure and discipline we have to create what we have. We also, I think, were blessed with two very good little kiddos, who sleep through the night, eat well, and are pretty darn well-mannered for a one and two year old! Maybe I’m crazy… but I seriously do not think they are that bad at this age. Maybe ask me again for my opinion in a year or two! What I mean by this, is Bryan and I get alone time together after 7:30pm, to relax on the couch, watch movies, or just lay in bed and zone out together. This is something, I am realizing more and more lately, that many people with young children do not have. 

Back to dinner… I kept telling Bryan that I was worried that maybe I was doing the wrong thing with having a nanny come to help part-time, or that maybe it wasn’t the right thing yet to have Jackson in pre-school part-time, and that maybe I should be spending every minute that I can with the both of them before this third baby gets here. We went back and forth about it for a little while, and what it came down to, is that there is no right or wrong way in what we are doing for our children. What it came down to is that I will constantly worry that I am doing the right thing for my kids, and will always feel some sort of guilt when I am not or cannot be with them every minute of the day, because I am a MOTHER. Bryan doesn’t have that guilt. He can go about his work day, go riding at the track all day, then go to bed without having seen the kids, and I have never heard him utter the words “I feel bad for being away from the kids today.” Of course he misses them intensely when he does not see them, but the guilt is not there. I, on the other hand, am sitting in the waiting room at Kaiser, doing the gestational diabetes test for baby Colton, texting Bryan to ask how the kids are and if everything is okay, hoping I'm out of here within an hour so I can get back to them ASAP! Haha...  maybe I should stop for a coffee and a pedi on the way home! 

As a mom, we are always feeling like we could be giving more of ourselves, even if we are giving every last ounce of ourselves to our children, which we usually are! I usually end up getting frazzled and irritated by the end of the day, not because I am so annoyed that I had to do all of the cooking, cleaning, AND make sure our kids were happy/healthy/safe, but because I don’t like having to divide my attention among these tasks. I would rather spend all of my day with my undivided attention on Jackson and Charley, sitting on the floor with them, making messes, and taking part in every crazy little idea that they come up with. In reality, however, someone has to clean up after us all, do the laundry, cook meals, and make sure the house is in order too. And on top of that, I also like to be able to get the gym, so I try to squeeze that in before they wake up in the mornings, or at the end of the day. So it’s the never ending battle for me. Every time I leave my mom’s house, and see how she is with them, I think about how I can be more of a “yes” person like she is with her grandkids. Whatever they want to do, Mimi says “sure!” and off they go to visit Lulu or play outside on the playground for hours. The toys can be left scattered all over the living room floor, and she won't bat an eye. Of course, the missing puzzle piece is Grandma doesn’t have anything else to do BUT have fun with the little munchkins and let them do whatever it is they want to do for the day, until she brings them back home. 

There really is no answer here. I guess what I’m trying to say is being a mom is a difficult job to have, and there is no right or wrong way to do this job. I think we all try to do it with as much heart and passion as we can, and we just hope along the way that we are doing the right thing for our children, and for ourselves. Every night in bed I replay my day, and ask myself “Did I do the right thing there with Jacks?” or “Did I spend enough time with Charley today? Do you think she’s happy?” "Was I too hard on Jackson?" or "Do you think he's mad at me?" It really is funny to me that these two little munchkins utterly and completely rule my world! These seem silly… but they are genuine worries and concerns in my daily life. I consider myself extremely blessed and grateful to have my children’s well-being and happiness on my mind at all times. To me, that means that I am doing something right. Maybe I will never find the answer to how to do it all while remaining cool, calm, and collected, and with extra energy to do all of the things that I want to do, but for now that’s okay. It’s all worth it to me. And soon I will open the next chapter in my life, with adding one more precious little soul into my world, and I will be continuously finding another way to add balance to our constantly-changing lives!